The 8th grade was horrible. My emotions were so strong and I had so much sorrow every day that I cried nearly every day at school. Kids made fun of me and singled me out, including my two best friends. I was ostracized by my entire group of girlfriends for nearly ½ of the school year. Years later my mother told me she worried whether I would make it through the year without taking my own life. The feelings I’ve had this week remind me of the 8th grade.
Heavy intense emotions. End of the world sorrows. Little comments from my kids, my husband, and my daughter are slaying me. My son said to me the other morning, that one of the happiest times of his life was when he was in daycare. In daycare the provider’s son chose HIM, every day, over all of the other kids, to take upstairs to play. My heart broke for him. I am not sure that he has had a friendship like that since then. One that he is the center, he is the chosen friend. I wish this so much for him.
My daughter is going through a rough time. My husband and I were talking and we admitted that we worried so much about our son, we always thought our daughter wouldn’t be a problem. I then realized that for years, I had been drinking while my daughter was hiding out in her room by herself or with friends. I was more often than not, too busy searching out the next bottle, encouraging her to put on a movie, or play a video game as opposed to playing with her. This is my negative mind that can bring me to my knees in an instant.
I’ve walked around with puffy eyes all day. I am reminded that “I shall not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it…” But I am heavy with regrets and sorrows today. I wish I could hold that little girl who wanted just wanted her mommy. I am so sorry I turned her away.
All in all it was a great weekend. But, like every “holiday” weekend, there is a melacholy at the end of it all. Inevitably, along the way, a child’s expectations weren’t exactly met. The boy who dresses as Link from Zelda who was initally so excited by his costume with the sword and shield from a castle in France couldn’t find the sword the day of the party. The Cinderalla girl who only wants to be a princess, noticed the cheap store-bought costume splitting at the seams, and the husband who completely forgot about the party left his blue Dexter gloves on the countertop. I was thrilled with my costume that was suggested to me by a blog reader….a box of Franzia–was awesome and dispensed cheap wine. The boy was sick on Halloween day so missed the soccer playoffs. By later in the afternoon he was up for trick or treating (surprised??) but couldn’t find his dearest friend. He eventually did, which made things a LOT better.
The big disappointment of the day was the pamphlet that we got from a local home that talked about how bad Islam is. I thought of linking to the pamphlet here, so that people could see how this racist and heinous group represented Islam, but I am sure they track their web site visits and relish in the post halloween rise in Web traffic. I was sad and ashamed that this morning my husband found this booklet in the trick or treat bag, and so happy that my son doesn’t have enough interest in reading to have glanced at the pamphlet. I was also happy that our friends and neighbors tried to warn us about the pamphlet…my husband simply forgot. This family should be ashamed, Proselytizing to children????? Next year we will remember to stay away from the home that believes my family are a bunch of terrorists. Or, we could be incredibly bold and dress like what they think we are. “TRICK OR TREAT!!!”
A counselor told me that more people start going to therapy during this time of year than any other time of year. I don’t think this is surprising, given the way I have been feeling the past couple of weeks. So, I began to poll people to see how they have been feeling lately. The shocking results are this…..98.62% of the people I know feel like crap right now. Isn’t that interesting? There are all sorts of reasons this is true:
The winter isn’t quite over. At least in the Midwest the weather is beautiful today, but we all know this is an attempt to lure us into putting our winter clothes away only to have to pull them out of boxes in a couple of days. Argh!
There are no real holidays in the dead of winter. Once Christmas, Hanukah and the King of Thailand’s birthday have passed, we’ve got NOTHING until Easter, which despite celebrating the resurrection, at best, is a good meal and quick bunny egg hunt.
With that extra hour per day, I have another hour to sit and feel like crap about the many things I am doing wrong…..do I spend enough time with the kids, should they be reading more, have I been a good friend, are these pants too short?
Here is what I am going to try to do for the next week. Every time I think something negative that will only bring me down I am going to say the phrase, “Black Hole approaching, divert, divert!.” out loud. Not a shout, mind you, but I am going to actually say it. If I am in a meeting and I can’t say it without getting locked up, I am going to write it on my notepad. If I am swimming while this happens, shouting it in my brain or mouthing it will have to do.
I am going to try to keep a tally, you do the same.
Life is too short to spend it all thinking bad things…just read the headlines.
Since the tri a few weeks ago, my mind is filled with sludge or Lake Michigan water or perhaps the web of summer is being cleared out. Who knows which, but I have struggled to put together any cohesive thoughts. What I am left with is a lot of random thoughts in my head.
What things are bouncing around in here are not necessarily positive. The coolness of fall can either make me excited as the seasons change, or depressed that the summer is gone. Lately, the later is more prominent.
I am sad that I can’t run….okay, I never could actually RUN, but I could jog. I love Fall evenings to decompress and go for a jog. But, injury is prohibiting that.
I am also dreading the change of clothing. I believe I tossed most of my fall and winter wear last year because nothing seemed to really fit right. Now I am reluctant to open the boxes of ill fitted and random clothes from last year. Why do I struggle so much with my wardrobe? I need the fat version of Clinton and Stacy on a budget to help me out here.
So, my apologies for not having any witty or insightful banter these days.
I am off to island biking in Virginia with my dad for a week of cycling which should be fun. I can’t believe that last year, he was in the hospital recovering from a heart attack and bypass surgery and this year we are off on a cycling adventure. Hopefully a little sun, sand and spin will shew away the blues I’m feeling. Here’s to hopes of a renewed spirit.
What we hope to see at Assateague Island National Seashore