Some Days Are Better Than Others


The 8th grade was horrible. My emotions were so strong and I had so much sorrow every day that I cried nearly every day at school. Kids made fun of me and singled me out, including my two best friends. I was ostracized by my entire group of girlfriends for nearly ½ of the school year. Years later my mother told me she worried whether I would make it through the year without taking my own life. The feelings I’ve had this week remind me of the 8th grade.

letting go darkHeavy intense emotions. End of the world sorrows. Little comments from my kids, my husband, and my daughter are slaying me. My son said to me the other morning, that one of the happiest times of his life was when he was in daycare. In daycare the provider’s son chose HIM, every day, over all of the other kids, to take upstairs to play. My heart broke for him. I am not sure that he has had a friendship like that since then. One that he is the center, he is the chosen friend. I wish this so much for him.

My daughter is going through a rough time. My husband and I were talking and we admitted that we worried so much about our son, we always thought our daughter wouldn’t be a problem. I then realized that for years, I had been drinking while my daughter was hiding out in her room by herself or with friends. I was more often than not, too busy searching out the next bottle, encouraging her to put on a movie, or play a video game as opposed to playing with her. This is my negative mind that can bring me to my knees in an instant.

I’ve walked around with puffy eyes all day. I am reminded that “I shall not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it…” But I am heavy with regrets and sorrows today. I wish I could hold that little girl who wanted just wanted her mommy. I am so sorry I turned her away.

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14 comments

  1. That is rough. I imagine you do think back to the past but you can only acknowledge it and do differently now. This is not the same thing at all but my parents divorced when I was quite young and my father wasn’t really present even when my parents were married….as so often happens when he remarried and they had a child…my dad had acquired more awareness and better parenting skills and was really present for my sister. I don’t blame my sister for that….but I really held a grudge against my dad for a while -several years in fact and I brought it up to him several times and he finally said that he knew what he did wasn’t great, that he felt bad about it but he was present now and didn’t that count for something with me and I learned to forgive him….sounds like my dad had forgiven himself too…..not sure if this helps or not…..but in terms of you weren’t there for your daughter back then…I hope that you can forgive yourself. It is a disease and it is a powerful one but you are recovering and that is such a gift in of itself.

  2. oh honey. i wish i could make it all go away. she has so much of her life still to spend time with you, and she will cherish that time for the rest of her life. i hope you can dry up those eyes and look at that bright side. you are such a great mom, and you always have been.
    i love you and hope you can feel the love i am sending you. ❤

  3. Remember you are here now. She did not lose you. You have bridges to repair but you are here.
    Praying for you. May tomorrow be filled with grace, love and beautiful moments.
    Pam

  4. I have had the extreme pleasure of getting to know your kids. What I see in your daughter is a fierce spirit that will not be dimmed. I am definitely sure she got that from you. Its so easy for those thoughts in our head to take over. And I know they are real things that have happened. But just remember, you don’t get to SEE you like I get to. And the abundance of beauty, strength, compassion, and intelligence that I see in you, I see in her as well. You gave her much more than you realize. You are doing an amazing job raising amazing kids.

  5. All we ever have is today. And today I know an amazing, caring, compassionate woman who loves their kids like crazy. Don’t regret the past- learn from it and change the behavior. Don’t shut the door on it- lest we forget and slip back to our old demons. WE have been given a second chance.. a chance to repair, heal, and better our skills as mothers. We lost a little time but we can make sure that the time we have we can be present. Our kids are old enough to see the change and allowing them to see that process alone is a gift to them. It is allowing them to see first hand that no matter how bad things get, you can always change it around for the better if you believe in yourself and your higher power. What an incredible gift for them to see! I love and admire you greatly! xoxoxo

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