What the *@ck was I thinking?


Turns out knee pads were the least of my worries.  I have experienced pain and embarrassment in my life.  Ask pretty much anyone who knows me and they have either witnessed it or have heard about it.  Last night, I was more embarrassed than I have been since I learned that I was calling my best Thai friend “vagina” because I was saying her name with the wrong tone.

Here is an excerpt from the Park District bulletin that got me into this situation.  I have underlined the points that pertain to me.

Derby Lite has created a new version of its recreational league that makes it easy for any woman whether an avid skater or not on wheels since middle school, an athlete or a couch potato to get her exercise in for the week and have a great time doing it. No experience required. Ladies build core strength, endurance, balance, cardio, agility, flexibility and upper body strength, while also building confidence, friendships and a sense of community.

Here is my translation:

Derby Lite has created a new torture method that is both recreational and impossible.  If you are an avid skater come on board.  If you haven’t skated since middle school, you don’t stand a frigging chance because we’re going to work your ass off so hard, you won’t be able to sit when you get home.  An athlete may make it.  A couch potato will spend most of her time on the floor trying to balance with her non existent core to get up off of the floor.  You will be flexible.  If not, you will land in such a position that you will finally  be able to do the splits you couldn’t do in elementary school gymnastics.  Confidence?  Every ounce of confidence will fly out the door?

Do you remember when Tom Cruise jumped down the stairs in Risky Business?  You know, that position with one leg straight out, one leg bent with a skate on its foot.  I landed like that on the floor last night.  I actually believe I heard my muscle pop.  I LANDED like this folks.  HARD.

Imagine the guy in the photo as me, only put a skate on his left leg and have him flat on the ground with the other leg just off to the side. Got it?

This was the hardest workout I have had in years.  I have no core strength, that is something I am going to start to work on again tomorrow!  I leave you with the quote of the day.  A young whipper snapper in class came up to me and said “Ma’am?  I think you are very brave to be doing this.”  Brave?  No.  Brain damaged?  Perhaps.  I can imagine a day when it will be fun.  Till then it was fun in a root canal sort of way.  I will be back though.   Next time I’ll be stronger and I’ll keep track of how many times I fall.  Till then!

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4 comments

  1. Let me tell you a little secret….

    well, TWO little secrets:

    1) I don’t think I could count the number of times myself, Queen B or any other skaters that originated the Windy City Rollers laid on the floor in agony when we first started skating.

    2) Roller derby is this rare sport where being fit but large is actually of great advantage.

    I do hope you give it another shot when you have a chance. I’ve been meaning to go to Derby Lite myself, because my time with the WCR was the absolute fittest I’ve been in my adult life.

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